Getting My Thoughts Down

This morning, I decided I needed to write. There are so many things going on, updates I need to add… but, really, I just need to dump my thoughts. There’s no point to make and some of these things are negative, but as I’ve said many times before… this platform is truly for no other purpose than for my kids to look back and see how I process all the incredible (and sometimes gut-wrenching) things we’ve experienced on this journey. So here it goes:

I can count the times we’ve been to “church” over the past 9 months…on one hand. There are a lot of reasons for this and we all stopped going at different times during those nine months, but at the end of the day the reasons really boiled down to one thing: We didn’t belong there. And here’s the kicker… we all felt that for different reasons. It was almost like the Holy Spirit was stirring the same thing in us… just in different ways. And, to be clear, this has nothing to do with our particular church. It’s ANY church. And it’s specifically the Sunday morning gathering. For Jamie, it was the worship. (Honestly, after our experiences with the CCM world, we all have some serious issues with worship. But, for Jamie, is was like nails on the chalk board and he would just get up and leave… especially if the song was filled with over spiritualized imagery. You’ll lose him at any reference of running water or holy fire… every. single. time.)

I also didn’t TRULY realize how toxic Maine was for our family until recently. The amount of church trauma we experienced, especially the abuses I endured at the hands of insecure men on a power trip, had a HUGE impact on my kids. But, even more, my willingness to endure the abuses probably had a BIGGER impact on them. Recently, someone asked if we had forgiven them and I just laughed. And it was a genuine laugh, not one of sarcasm, or even animosity. Forgiveness is a funny thing and I think it looks differently for each of us. But, I also think there are two types of forgiveness: for the instances when someone is ASKING for forgiveness and for when you simply offer it… allowing yourself to move on. For us, forgiveness has looked like the latter. We moved on and stopped allowing their behavior to take up space in our lives. We’ve had some people tell us that we aren’t truly forgiving them unless we address the issue with them. (I just love it when people tell you how something needs to look… in order to be “right”.) But, if you hear nothing else, hear this: Don’t let ANYONE tell you what forgiveness looks like. I truly feel like the overwhelming majority of abuse in the church has come from the manipulation and power dynamics around the issue of forgiveness. I don’t wish any of those men ANY ill will. Genuinely. But I NEVER want to see any of them ever again… and I don’t have to. I don’t have to talk to them, or bury the proverbial hatchet… and sometimes that’s what forgiveness looks like.

It might not seem like it, based on what I’ve already written, but I am truly hopeful. With each step we take away from the institution, I truly feel like we’re taking a step closer to what it real:

Jesus.

But, more than that… I feel like we are taking a closer step to the REAL Church. And maybe that’s the difference I feel. So many people we know are leaving the Church, but also leaving their faith. Or they’re leaving the “church” but still following Jesus. But we can’t TRULY follow Jesus, as he intended, if we’re aren’t with a community of saints. That community comes in different forms… and I’m thankful for those who recognize this abiding truth.