I went to Christmas Eve Service… and felt NOTHING.

The title is a little sensational. It’s also completely true. But, it probably doesn’t mean what you think.

When my friend, Maggie, invited me to the Christmas Eve service at her church it was an immediate HARD PASS. But, I’ve become painfully aware that this is now my default. So, I took her up on her offer…. and over the next 10 days tried to come up with a convincing reason to bail.

And in a the true spirit of the holiday season, a Christmas miracle occurred. Jamie came with me. He hasn’t stepped foot in a church in over a year, and maybe in the most obvious example of his love for me… he agreed to come. This probably says more about his concern for me than anything else. The kids were almost speechless, with the exception of Holden asking if Jamie was feeling okay. (He also didn’t make it through the entire service, but he definitely put in the effort… and sat through WAY MORE than I thought he would!)

What I learned from this experience:

• I’ve NEVER liked Christmas Eve services. I have a bias and I know it. I appreciate the focus on Jesus, but I usually walk away from a Christmas Eve service feeling frustrated for one of two reasons: The service is more spectacle than reverence (think Holiday Pageant with a few reference to Jesus) or the service is, as it should be, focused on Jesus… which honestly just makes me frustrated for the simple fact that ALL Sunday services should be just that: Focused on Jesus. Not a 7-part “Christian-washed” self-help series focused on us. PLEASE NOTE: This service was great. In the words of Taylor Swift… I’m the problem. It’s me! (I feel like I might need a kindly reminder here: If your first reaction to reading that last sentence was to judge me for liking Taylor Swift, you might be in the wrong place. OR… MAYBE YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT ONE.)
• My anger has definitely shifted. Someone recently said that I’m just entering a new stage of the grieving process. I understand the sentiment, but that isn’t a correct assessment. There is a REAL DISTINCTION between the Church and the institution of church. One of the problems is that some people in my situation take a machete to the Church when their anger should, most likely, be focused on those within the institution…. those who have used their “faith” to gain, wield, and abuse power. I still have strong feelings about how those within the institution have treated our family, especially my kids. But, I no longer allow those feelings to fester and create a chasm fraught with bitterness and resentment.
• My mind was filled with so many things during this particular service, but the most important was the acknowledgment that all my feelings of animosity were gone. Maybe I’m too tired to be angry anymore. 2023 was a year I NEVER want to live again. (It was a great year, but it was, by far, the hardest year of our crazy little journey.)

My husband left before communion. He hasn’t taken communion in over a year. I haven’t taken it for about 9 months. But, I took it that night… for one reason. Because I do believe in the gathering of saints and the remembrance of Christ…and the call we have on our lives. Each of us individually, as well as collectively. But, more importantly, my participation wasn’t moved by emotion: guilt, sadness, or even joy.

I haven’t felt a real connection to the Lord INSIDE of a building in a REALLY long time. And part of me wonders if I ever really did. (I’m sure there were a few times that were genuine, but there are FAR MORE that were manufactured by perfectly timed music or a manipulated call to action.) However, I did walk away that night feeling confident in one thing: Trying to fit our square-pegged family into the current “church” model won’t work. (And maybe this is why we’ve had such a hard time over the past 10 years.)

I think 2024 will be a year of walking in what we know to be true. You cannot look at our lives and say there isn’t something divinely appointed. But, divinely appointed most assuredly don’t mean easy, or painless. It also doesn’t mean that we have to hold on to people or institutions. The Christmas Eve service was, in part, a letting go for me. “Going to church” has been a box that’s needed to be checked off… but you can’t GO to Church. You can only BE the Church.

So, here’s to a year focused on BEING the Church.