WEEK 8: A Change of Plans

Who: Holden

Church: ?

Lunch: Ernest Chinese

Topics: Personal Responsibility, Spiritual Manipulation/Religious Coercion

Before I dive into this post, there are two things I want to share. First, I hadn’t actually planned to attend this particular church. In fact, I had two other churches on the schedule. One of Holden’s friends invited him to a special event that ended up getting rescheduled; I was also set to attend an afternoon service with one of our board members. But when I realized I’d be cutting it close for Piper’s publishing debut (side note: all the women in our family are now published authors!), I decided to switch things up. So, at 9:30 a.m., I made a quick decision—I’d go to church by myself. And that leads me to my second point.

This project was conceptualized around the idea of attending church with someone I knew, sharing a meal or coffee afterward, and having a meaningful conversation about our shared faith. So, when it came time to attend church alone, I hesitated. But I also saw it as a great opportunity to spend time with Holden. When it comes to our family’s religious trauma faith journey, Holden was really young during the worst of it. And while he didn’t experience everything firsthand like our older children, he still felt the ripple effects of the struggles we faced. I saw this as a chance to open up a conversation about those experiences—what faith means to him now, the lessons we’ve learned, and how we’ve grown from it all.

So how did I choose this particular church:

When we first moved to Chattanooga—the so-called “mecca” of local churches—we did a few Google searches to see what was out there. We had one rule: If the church’s landing page prominently featured the pastor or worship team selling books or CDs, it was a hard pass. And there was one church in particular that always topped the Google search engine list. (Their SEO game was on point.) So, this is the church I chose.

First things first, I need to acknowledge my own biases and blindspots. For context, I’m not a fan of Bethel. (And that’s putting it mildly.) We attended their church in Redding when we lived on the road and it was truly the most disturbing church experiences I’ve ever personally been witness to and there were definitely similarities between the two. On the surface level, it was like walking into a concert: loud music, film crews on stage, photographers walking up and down the aisles snapping pictures of the congregation during worship. There was also banner waiving, a live painting, chaotic movements coming from those gathered at the front of the stage, and the speaking of tongues. No matter how you feel about any of those things, I want to provide a visual representation of the experience. It was loud and there was a lot going on.

Worship lasted for almost 80 minutes, the longest I’ve ever experienced, and was followed by a few announcements that segued into a time of prayer… over weather and blood curses. And this is where things get a little disconcerting. (Holden is adamant in me sharing his opinion that things were disconcerting weird from the very beginning.)

While my goal with this project isn’t to critique specific sermons, I do want to highlight what I consider troubling indicators that I believe reflect a broader issue within the church as a whole. And this opening prayer over weather and blood curses (i.e. tornadoes, COPD and diabetes) definitely falls into that category. The person leading this prayer believed that with enough faith, things like tornado paths can be altered and hereditary diseases, such as COPD and diabetes, can be healed. Please note: I’ve witnessed the miraculous and unexplainable happen through prayer, so this isn’t a commentary on what God can do. Instead, it’s a reminder of the balance between divine intervention and the personal responsibility we hold in practicing good stewardship.

This also brings me to a larger issue within the church: the resistance to taking responsibility. In some cases, churches foster a mindset that prayer alone can combat the forces of nature, sidelining the urgent need for real, tangible action. For example, many in the church have been vocal opponents to environmental efforts. Many congregations downplay, or outright dismiss, scientific evidence in favor of a belief that God will take care of the earth regardless of human behavior and this mentality isn’t limited to environmental issues—it extends to health concerns as well. Conditions like COPD and diabetes, which have clear links to lifestyle choices and environmental factors, are often treated as solely spiritual battles that can be overcome through faith and prayer. While spiritual support can be an important aspect of coping with illness, this approach ignores the vital role that medical science, personal responsibility, and practical changes in behavior play in managing these conditions.

During our conversation over lunch, I asked Holden for his take, and his response made me laugh, “I would have gone with the ‘my body is a temple’ approach, and, at least, talked about your responsibility to make healthy choices. Calling them blood curses is wild.” Stewardship is real. And when we don’t take those responsibilities to heart, the consequences are real.

And this is only ONE example of questionable theology that came from the stage that morning. Here are a few other statements that were made:

1. God only loves people that come to Him and respect Him.
2. You attract the favor of God by your honor.
3. God blesses other people to test your heart.

And these were just three of MANY.

I don’t have time to delve into all the questionable theology I encountered, but I want to give some attention to the topic of the sermon: tithing. Throughout the message, the pastor repeatedly mentioned that his words might be offensive or could upset people. Each time, he softened this by reminding the congregation that he loves them and is only delivering the sermon because he wants what’s best for them. This pattern of presenting a potentially controversial message, and arguably SELF-SERVING message, and then immediately framing it as an act of love seemed like a way to disarm criticism and make it harder for the congregation to question, or push back. It felt less like a genuine conversation about giving and more like a strategic emotional appeal to bypass any discomfort, or dissent. Instead of fostering an open discussion about the biblical principles behind tithing or the personal struggles people may face with financial giving, the focus was on justifying the message under the guise of love. Then, to finish up the service, he asked for every single member of the congregation, whether giving or not, walk down to the stage and pass by the offering plate.

What a juxtaposition from the end of last week’s service.

I want to close with this… There were several moments during the service when I found myself silently praying—for people to have the wisdom to discern truth, and for evil to not find a foothold. But, there was another moment worth mentioning, when the pastor asked everyone to greet one another with a hug. I wish you could have seen Holden’s face as the woman in front of us turned to embrace him. Moments before she was speaking in tongues and the next minute she was hugging Holden like she’s known him all his life. And while he was as stiff as a board for the first 10 seconds, he eventually warmed up to her and returned the hug. And in that moment another prayer came to mind: Lord, give me eyes to see people the way you see them. Give me the ability to love people the way you call me to love them.

Especially the people I disagree with theologically.

It’s so easy to walk into a church, with your personal baggage in tow, and throw daggers. And, to be fair, I would never “join” a community like that. (And I don’t think any other member of my family would have made it through worship the entire service except Holden.) But, it did show me how much I’ve grown. How much I’ve healed. And while I might still be carrying some baggage, maybe it’s more like an overnight duffle instead of a a full-blown checked luggage situation.

CHALLENGE: Listen to a podcast, or grab a book, that helps you process through your church/religious trauma. A few weeks ago, K.J. Ramsey’s The Lord is My Courage was recommended to me and I’ll be honest… the title and cover art had me saying NOOOOOOO! But, never judge a book by its cover, right? This has been one of my best reads in a while. (I definitely recommend it for young, and more seasoned, women!)