Week 21: Why Are Youth Leaving the Church?

Who: Piper

Church: First Centenary UMA

Lunch: Home

Topic: Youth Ministry and Why Our Kids Are Leaving the Church

We woke up Friday morning, and for the briefest of seconds, it felt like we had been magically transported back to Maine. A thick blanket of snow covered everything in sight. It was stunning—postcard-worthy, really. But unlike the Northeast, with ample amounts of salt and a fleet of snowplows primed and ready to go, our Southern corner of the world collectively hit the panic button. Schools closed, stores emptied of bread and milk like we were prepping for the apocalypse, and somewhere, a single snowplow coughed to life.

The snowstorm didn’t just bring the city to a standstill—it also led many local congregations to cancel their in-person Sunday services. Most churches quickly pivoted to online gatherings, embracing the beauty of technology (and maybe the comfort of preaching in slippers). So, I decided to tune in to the virtual worship service at First Centenary UMC and feeling a bit optimistic—or perhaps overly ambitious—I asked Piper if she’d like to join me. And the odds were most definitely not in my favor.

When I talk about my family and where each of us stands on this winding journey of faith, Piper is firmly planted in the skeptic camp. And honestly, I can’t blame her. Our kids—especially our three oldest—have witnessed some pretty tough, even unsettling, things over the years. And to be fair, most people probably would have shielded their children from the things we experienced for fear that it would ruin their faith. But, I hold to the hope that Jesus is bigger than all of that… and, in the end, their faith will be stronger because of it. And maybe that decision will show itself to be a disastrous one. But, I’m still betting on Jesus.

And the belief that knowing how to identify wolves in sheep’s clothing will also help them see those who are truly following Jesus. (And, YES, this is where Sydney and Brayden got the name of their band.)

Sydney and Brayden, for all they experienced, still caught glimpses of the good that can come from our faith tradition: genuine community, moments of grace, and the kind of hope that feels like solid ground. But Piper? Piper primarily saw the cracks in the foundation. She saw the cycle of overly charismatic preachers selling a version of the gospel that, if we’re being honest, wasn’t real. It was Jesus repackaged—not for transformation, but for personal gain. (Usually in the form of a big, shiny building.) She watched leaders use His name to build their own little empires, twisting music into a tool for emotional manipulation, and wielding shame like a weapon, all under the banner of “it’s for your own good.”

So, her skepticism isn’t a surprise. It’s a response. A defense against a version of faith that promised light but often delivered shadows… and this is what I want to talk about today. Why youth have been walking away from the church for years… and why for the first time young men are out numbering young women in our congregations.

My seminary graduation project was an in-depth paper examining the challenges within youth ministry in the United States. It specifically focused on how Bill Hybels’ Willow Creek model—particularly its entertainment-driven approach at Sun City—contributed to fostering a form of “fake Christianity.” The paper explored how prioritizing attractional, performance-based programs over discipleship and spiritual depth led to shallow faith formation among youth, raising concerns about the long-term impact on their spiritual growth and commitment.

In addition to analyzing the impact of entertainment-driven youth ministry models, my graduation project also explored how witnessing parental hypocrisy significantly contributes to students walking away from their faith—often long before they ever step foot on a college campus.

Many young people observe a stark contrast between how their parents present themselves at church and how they behave at home. At church, parents may appear deeply spiritual—serving in ministries, attending Bible studies, and speaking about Christian values—yet at home, they may display anger, judgment, racism, misogyny, dishonesty, or indifference toward living out the very faith they profess. This disconnect sends conflicting messages to their children, creating confusion and disillusionment about what it truly means to follow Jesus.

This kind of hypocrisy can subtly erode a child’s trust in both their parents and the Church. Rather than viewing faith as a transformative relationship with Christ, students may begin to see Christianity as a social obligation or performance. Over time, they may grow cynical, believing that if faith doesn’t change how their parents live day-to-day, it must not be real or meaningful.

This internal conflict often causes students to emotionally and spiritually disengage from their faith communities long before they physically leave home. They might go to church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night, but they’re merely checking a box, keeping their parents satisfied while feeling increasingly disconnected from the faith being presented to them.

Over time, this routine participation becomes hollow—a performance rather than a genuine pursuit of spiritual growth. Students may learn how to say the right things and engage in church activities, but inside, they wrestle with doubt, frustration, or even resentment. They may silently question the authenticity of the faith they see modeled, wondering why it doesn’t seem to transform daily life in meaningful ways.

This quiet disengagement can be mistaken for compliance, making it easy for parents and church leaders to overlook the deeper struggles these students face. By the time they reach college or adulthood, they often feel free to step away entirely because their faith was never personally owned—it was inherited, not internalized.

Without witnessing consistent, authentic faith at home, students are left vulnerable to viewing Christianity as shallow, performative, or irrelevant to real life. This disconnect highlights the critical need for parents and the church to model genuine discipleship—faith that is honest about struggles, rooted in grace, and visibly transformative in everyday actions. Only then can young people begin to develop a faith that is resilient, meaningful, and truly their own.

By the time they reach college or adulthood, they’re not “losing” their faith—they’ve already distanced themselves from it due to years of witnessing inauthentic faith modeled at home. My paper argued that this issue, combined with shallow, entertainment-focused youth ministries, creates a perfect storm that leaves students spiritually unprepared and disconnected. Addressing this problem requires more than just rethinking youth programs; it demands a call for authentic, consistent faith within families. Parents must model genuine, lived-out discipleship at home, demonstrating grace, humility, and a reliance on God not just in public but in their daily lives.

For those unfamiliar with our story, there was a defining moment during our time church planting in Rhode Island that deeply challenged and reshaped our perspective. It was as if God placed a mirror in front of us, revealing the weight of a truth we could no longer ignore. Jamie and I were struck by the realization that we hadn’t fully embraced our responsibility to intentionally disciple our own children. This conviction led us to sit down with Sydney and Brayden—just 11 and 8 years old at the time—and offer a heartfelt apology. We confessed that we hadn’t taken our role in guiding them spiritually as seriously as we should have.

But that conversation didn’t stop at an apology. We took the next, more humbling step: we gave them permission to hold us accountable. With their own professions of faith, Sydney and Brayden were no longer just our children—they were our brother and sister in Christ. That truth changed everything. It reframed how we led our family, how we loved them, and how we invited them to walk alongside us in faith. From that moment on, our family dynamic shifted into something deeper and richer—a shared journey of growing in Christ together, where accountability, grace, and discipleship became central to our home.

It was the best and worst decision of our lives. (It was really the best and I highly recommend it.) Now to the other issue.

Historically, youth church attendance has been steadily declining, but in recent years, a surprising shift has emerged: more young men are attending church than young women. This unexpected trend has sparked a critical question—why?

One possible explanation lies in how some churches embrace more rigid, patriarchal interpretations of Scripture, creating environments where traditional male dominance is not only accepted but celebrated. These spaces often frame male leadership and authority as divinely ordained, appealing to young men who feel drawn to clear, hierarchical structures that affirm their power and control.

This trend is further fueled by the rise of Christian nationalism, where faith becomes tightly intertwined with political identity, often promoting ideals of male strength, dominance, and authority as central to both religious and national identity. In these circles, being a “strong Christian man” is equated with defending traditional gender roles, family structures, and political ideologies. This messaging can be particularly appealing to young men seeking belonging, purpose, and identity in an increasingly complex world.

Simultaneously, many young women are stepping away from church spaces where they feel marginalized, silenced, or burdened by harmful teachings. The lingering effects of purity culture, the minimization of women’s voices in leadership, and a lack of meaningful engagement with issues like gender equality, mental health, and abuse have pushed many young women to disengage. They are increasingly unwilling to participate in faith communities that uphold systems of oppression under the guise of biblical authority.

The widening gap between young men and women in church attendance reflects deeper cultural and theological problems and alienates those seeking authentic, inclusive expressions of faith. Addressing this imbalance requires confronting these harmful ideologies head-on and reimagining church communities as spaces of justice, equality, and true discipleship for everyone.

As I wrap this post up, there is one more topic needing to be addressed… and it honestly needs its own post.

Jesus’ ministry was radically inclusive and justice-driven. He stood with the marginalized, challenged oppressive systems, and called out hypocrisy among religious leaders. He defended the outcast, uplifted the poor, and showed compassion to the hurting. Yet many youth look around and see churches avoiding conversations about systemic racism, poverty, climate change, and gender inequality. Even worse, some churches actively resist movements for justice, dismissing them as “too political” or “divisive.”

This disconnect leaves young people feeling disillusioned. They wonder how a faith built on love, compassion, and justice can ignore or oppose the very issues Jesus cared deeply about. When churches prioritize comfort, tradition, or political alignment over the well-being of the oppressed, youth begin to question the Church’s relevance and integrity.

Many feel that by avoiding or rejecting social justice, the Church is missing a critical opportunity to live out the Gospel in real and transformative ways. They long for a faith community that not only preaches about loving one’s neighbor but actively works to dismantle systems of injustice and advocates for the vulnerable.

Without this alignment between belief and action, young people are left searching for more authentic expressions of faith—spaces where following Jesus means standing up for justice, mercy, and truth in both word and deed.

CHALLENGE: If you have children, no matter the age, spend some time talking to them about their experiences in their faith communities. WARNING: It might be tempting to take a defensive posture depending on their answers. Try to fight against the temptation and truly listen to what they say. If you need some prompts to start the conversation, I’ll provide a few below

• Do you feel like the church encourages you to think critically about your faith and the world, or does it pressure you to accept certain ideas without question?
• Do you feel like you have the freedom to question or challenge what’s being taught at church? Why or why not?
• What kind of church or faith community would make you feel most connected to God? What would it look like?
• Is there anything about our faith or how we practice it as a family that feels confusing or uncomfortable to you?
• Do you feel like our church welcomes and supports people who are different—whether in gender, race, background, or beliefs? Why or why not?
• Have you heard any messages at church that blend Christianity with politics or patriotism? How do those messages make you feel?