Searching for Jesus in A̶m̶e̶r̶i̶c̶a̶ Chattanooga

In October 2017, Sydney spent 10 days at The Creak Studio, in Franklin, Tennessee, recording her first EP: Music Behind the Movement. (It was actually taken down last week, but one of the songs will be re-released under Be The Change Collective on July 19th!) Along with her friend, Caleb, Sydney spent those 10 days in a creative space like none other she had ever experienced. They watched her songs, some written with her Yamaha guitar when she was 14-years-old, evolve in a way she never dreamt possible. Not to mention, she was getting to work with one of her all-time favorite worship artists in the world. If the adventure ended right then and there… life would be have been complete.

But, the story most definitely didn’t end there.

David invited Sydney back to Nashville 10 days later to take part in a song writing intensive with Integrity Music. Forty song writers from all over the world come together for five days to write 120 songs. Sydney thought she was going to tag along with David to see what the songwriting process was like in Nashville. (A great opportunity on its own!) But, two days before heading back down, David called to let us know that she would be participating in the song writing sessions all by herself. (Side story: Her first session was at Gateway Church in Franklin. She was so incredibly nervous. Rightfully so. She asked me to pray for her while she was writing, so Brayden and I went into the sanctuary and prayed… FOR THREE HOURS! When we picked her up after the session was over, Brayden said, “That song better be good because we prayed over it for three stinkin’ hours… WITHOUT STOPPING.)

Her last writing session, on the final day of the week, was with two amazingly humble and talented songwriters: Matt Armstrong and Krissy Nordhoff. In a moment that doesn’t get talked about as much as it probably should, Sydney’s life was forever changed… because Matt, who has written for Christian artists like Chris Tomlin, asked this 16-year-old kid from Maine if she had any song writing ideas.

Sydney shared our story: how I found myself pregnant with her after my first semester of law school, unsure what to do and without a church home… because I was asked to leave for fear of the example I would be setting for the children in the church. I ended up at an abortion clinic in New Hampshire where the Lord placed the most kind, gentil-spirited human being I have ever met in my life. She listened to my story, taking in every word as I painfully explained the impossible decision I had to make. She then asked to speak to Sydney’s father, who also shared his reluctance to support a decision that would forever change our lives… no matter what we decided. This woman explained all of our options and then shared her personal opinion: we should go home. She then excused herself from the room and left the two of us to talk.

We were unable to definitively decide what our ultimate decision would be, but in that moment, we most assuredly knew what our decision would not be. Afterwards, as we began walking through the exit of the clinic, this same woman began running after us. Winded from the run, she confessed to having never shared her personal feelings to a couple before, because she could lose her job. But, she knew it was the right thing to do. Looking back on that moment now, I’m in awe of the story the Lord was already writing. In the depths of my heartache and isolation, He was present and had a purpose.

After sharing that story, Sydney went on to write a song with Matt and Krissy. But, that night, the Lord woke Krissy from a dream and gave her the words for a new song. Words she sent to David, asking him to forward on to Sydney… but he forgot. Months later, she found our contact information and asked if we ever received the song and then forwarded it to us herself. I remember reading over the words and instantly thinking this song needs to be the in hands of every woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. But, the song also wasn’t finished and Krissy asked Sydney if she would help her with that task.

In January 2018, Sydney went to Krissy’s home and they finished the song Carry On, a plea for young mothers to see that the life inside them might have the power and purpose to change the world. But, it’s also an anthem for the church, calling Christians to surround these women with love and support, not condemnation. Our fourth and final post in this series starts on the day Sydney recorded Carry On at The Creak, so I’ll end this story here. BUT, you should know that part of our story on the road was created from this song.

Due to the kindness and generosity of some of the most amazing people we have met in the Christian recording industry (David Leonard, Krissy Nodhoff, and Integrity Music), we are giving away FREE downloads of Carry On to pregnancy care centers across the country. We’re calling it The Carry On Project. Sydney has been to clinics from Maine to Texas handing out the cards. To date, www.iwillcarryon.com is the most viewed page on our website! It’s so humbling to see our story shared with countless others across the country. But, even more, I’m in awe of how the Lord gave Sydney a heart and vision for encouraging children to use their gifts and talents to help others… and then gave her an opportunity to use hers in such a profound way.

Along this journey the Lord has given us the gift of encouragement and opportunity through the unexpected. As someone recently said, “The favor of the Lord is so apparent it’s undeniable.” It’s something our family talks about often… usually when we’re ready to give up. We know He has opened up circles of influence many spend their lives only dreaming of and because of that, we hold those relationship as sacred. Sydney has become a pro at spotting those who pretend to care about her, or the ministry the Lord has entrusted her with, as a means to benefit from her “connections.” The reason: she doesn’t view these people as “connections.” To her (and us), they are family. We’re protective of family.

One of those people is Mark Stuart, co-founder of Hands and Feet Project (also former lead singer of Audio Adrenaline), was instrumental in the creation of Be The Change Youth Initiative. Honestly, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for him. Shortly after David introduced us to Mark, Sydney and I found ourselves headed off to Haiti on a founders trip for Hands and Feet Project. One of the things we LOVE about this organization is their commitment to offering opportunity to the people of Haiti through job creation. IKONDO, one of the most beautiful places we’ve ever stayed while traveling, is a profound example of this.

On the last night of our trip, Sydney asked if she could speak with Mark. (She actually made an entire video about her appreciation for Mark and the impact that moment had in her life. You can see it HERE.) She shared the idea for Be The Change Youth Initiative: What if kids all over the United States could use their gifts and talents to advocate for other children around the world? What if kids could do the things they love (like painting, baking, running, reading, swimming… even building Legos!) to raise money for those in need? Mark loved the idea and told Sydney to put together a formal proposal. He invited us back to Nashville the following month to “pitch” him a Fundraising Initiative idea. And as luck would have it, David Leonard happened to stop by the Frothy Monkey to sit in on that meeting.

Sydney shared her original vision, but also began dreaming about how she could use HER gifts to advocate and create change for others. She told Mark and David how she was creating music for her partnerships (Make-A-Wish, Africa New Life, Hands and Feet Project) and that all of the proceeds from those songs would go to the Fundraising Initiatives, as well as sales from shirts designed by a local teen in Maine who was also using her gifts to help. Immediately, David asked Sydney to send him her music. The problem however… there was nothing to share. The music was created, written down in her notebooks, but nothing concrete to listen to.

There was this awkward silence for about 10 seconds and then Mark turned to Sydney saying, “When David Leonard asks to listen to your music, you send him your music.” So we went home, made some video recordings and emailed them to David. By the end of the next day, he reached out to Jamie to see if we could talk. By the end of the week, we were creating a Kickstarted campaign to cover the cost of recording an 8 track EP. (We were told by WAY TOO MANY people that campaigns like ours NEVER get funded. Well, ours did… in 21 DAYS! Just another example of how Jesus was in this from the beginning.)

As Sydney was preparing to record in Franklin, Tennessee, she was also putting together the first Be The Change Youth Initiative Fundraising Initiative. She recruited 21 kids, from all over the country, to use their gifts and talents to help build a daycare in Jacmel, Haiti, through our partnership with Hands and Feet Project. Their goal was to raise $20,000 over the summer of 2017 and our Fundraising Initiative helped with almost $8,000 of that goal.

Pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together.

If you’ve been following along with the blog, you know how we got to this place in life from a spiritual perspective. If you know us personally, you also know the story behind Be The Change Youth Initiative. If you don’t, you can learn more about the back story here. (If you’re on Instagram, you can also follow along with that adventure here.) But, if you’re only interested in the Cliff’s Notes version, here you go. (Just kidding… there are no Cliff’s Notes versions for anything in our life. Nothing.) But, in the next four posts, I’m going to explain how we became full-time RV missionaries… followed by all the CRAZY stories from the road.

About four months after leaving the last church, which also meant Sydney leaving her position as a worship leader, our family went on a missions trip to Eleuthera (October 2016). Sydney was invited back to the island for a month long internship where she would help lead worship at a local church and at the camp, as well as teach guitar lessons to the local kids. However, about two months before she was set to leave, the company responsible for the trip filed for bankruptcy. Long story short: We lost the money we paid for her trip, our deposit for a future family mission trip, and 33 high school credits for future classes (equating to approximately $10,000).

Given everything else going on with life during that time, Sydney became incredibly depressed and couldn’t understand why God kept closing doors when it came to using her gifts for music. About 24 hours after the news, I was scrolling through Sydney’s Instagram account and found a post from her favorite worship group, All Sons and Daughters. They had just wrapped up a European tour and were auctioning off a few of their things as a fundraiser for Hands & Feet Project. One of those items happened to be a tour of their studio in Franklin, Tennessee, followed by lunch with the duo.

The thought of bidding on something destined to reach astronomical heights made me want to vomit. Remember, we just lost $10,000. (Side note: Because we used our credit cards… Sorry, Dave Ramsey… we got $6,500 back!) But, I’m not quite sure you can put a price tag on encouraging your child given the circumstances of our lives over the previous six months. So I called my husband, told him about the auction and held my breath. And, honestly, to my surprise, he agreed with my assessment. But, he also gave me a cap…. a cap I reached after only 3 HOURS INTO THE 3 DAY AUCTION. (It was a nice thought and it really would have encouraged her, but no one ever wins these things except rich people. Well… that’s what I thought, until three days later, when I got the email saying I won.)

I’m not quite sure how to articulate my shock. The bidding for those three hours had been back and forth with multiple people increasing the price every 10 to 15 minutes. The fact that it just stopped at my last bid is inexplicable…. probably because it was God. Looking back over the past two years, EVERYTHING stems from that trip to Nashville to visit David and Leslie. It was on that trip that we were introduced to Mark Stuart. (I’ll share about that in the next post.) They also introduced us to one of our future board members, who was the Youth Ministry Pastor at David’s church. But, arguably, the most pivotal moment came after lunch when David and Leslie invited us back to the studio.

As we entered the front room, Sydney, Leslie and I took a seat as David disappeared into another room. When he returned, he was holding a guitar, which he gave to Sydney, as he said, “Alright kid, show me whatcha got.” Imagine being 15-years-old and asked, by one of your favorite musician in the world, to share something you’ve written. It was like a scene out of a movie and, little did we know, the lead domino to fall in a never-ending cascade of dominoes… that continue to fall.

A lot has happened over the past three years. It took me a good four months to enter a church after my previous experience. It took another couple of months to actually sit through an entire service, a whole year to make it through without crying during worship, or getting full on angry about something that was said. I wish I could say we moved on, found a perfect church (yeah… I know it doesn’t exist) and everything was completely better. That’s not the case. But here’s what we did find: a place that, despite our kids ages (15 and 13 at the time), wanted their help to lead worship. We found a church that wanted our family to be a part of their community, despite our warnings that we came with baggage… enough to fill a house.

I remember Jamie and I sitting down with the pastor and his wife. I shared the epiphany of my mentor informing me that I had the heart of a prophet… and for that reason alone, not many men in leadership will probably appreciate (or like) anything I have to say. (Yeah… that would have been helpful to know about 8 years ago.) I remember telling them that their friendship was important to me and I didn’t want to jeopardize that friendship by joining their church. Two and a half years removed from that conversation, and eventually becoming members of their church, I won’t lie… there have been moments of tension between us, but, at the same time, things have been different. Probably because I’m different. (And we’re still friends… just for the record.)

The past few years have taught me something incredibly important. I don’t have to be proven right in the eyes of man. I just need to honor the Lord. I need to make sure every word leaving my lips is filtered through the Word of God and wrapped in the love of the Savior. (I’m still working on that last one.) How it’s received isn’t on me. How people respond isn’t on me either. I’ve learned to say what needs to be said and then step down from any potential confrontation, even when my words are met with anger and frustration. There’s something incredibly freeing in that. But, my husband and I also realized something else as we look back on the past eight years… we’ve been lied to a whole lot by leaders in the church. So many times, in fact, it couldn’t be a coincidence. So many times, it couldn’t be ignored.

One night, with a bottle of bourbon, Jamie and I spent a few hours looking back over the past eight years and all the inconsistencies between what was preached on Sunday mornings and what was lived out the other six days of the week. We questioned why people were so quick to talk about the sins of abortion and gay marriage, but not really bothered by the sins of gluttony or gossip. Quite possibly because they enjoy indulging themselves at the local doughnut shop while catching up on all the salacious neighborhood “news.” (If you didn’t catch the sarcasm there… it was.) We wondered why discussions about immigration and refugees turned rational people into raging pundits for nationalism who could only respond with things like “But, we have laws.” (Sounds like something the Pharisees said to Jesus when he healed people on the Sabbath?) Also… what if the church in Acts wasn’t actually “all but dead”? What if we ARE suppose to give away our possessions and not keep storehouses full of riches? What if we actually acknowledged that living the American Dream wasn’t really conducive to following Jesus. God forbid… what if we learned that it PREVENTED us from TRULY following Jesus as he prescribes in the gospels? I think we might find a lot of people turning away from their churches, much like the rich young ruler turned away from Jesus. (And we can’t have that because if they turn away, they take their money with them.)

This, my friends, is where this blog is headed. I already have enough stories to write a book. Three books. For now, I will say this: I’ve never been more HOPEFUL about the church than I am at this moment. We left Maine out of desperation and our desperation brought us to the most beautiful place we have ever been. It’s hard. There have been tears. But, we have one life and we’re going to live it like Jesus is real, alive, and seated at the right hand of the Father. We don’t have the answers, but we know the One who does. So, we’re going to chase after Him.

Before I continue with this story, a few things need to be addressed. Unfortunately, our circumstances were not an isolated event. Another family walked through this situation with us. Their story is just that… theirs. But, one thing I am compelled to share with you: our devotion to unity. Yes, we were frustrated by the process. Yes, we were angry with the constant disrespect. But, Jamie and I were committed to walking this out in a biblical way… and we paid the consequences for it. 

First, the good. Many are unaware of how committed we were to unity… at all costs. (Granted, my honest narrative up to this point might not reflect that priority, because I also want you to see I’m not pious, or self-righteous. I’m one incredibly flawed individual. I know this and I own it.) But, during those six months, I prayed and fasted more than ever before. Arguably, for the first time in my life, I was trusting Jesus, and the process set forth in the Bible, to walk out conflict and fight for unity. The other couple, mentioned above, came over to our house specifically to pray with us over the situation. We prayed for unity. We prayed for humility. We prayed our kids’ hearts wouldn’t be hardened by this process. I kept my mouth shut and my heart open. I was committed. But, there was an unforeseen downside in that. 

My daughter was becoming angry. At this point, the youth pastor had taken over the group, which simply meant they were helping out with the middle school kids, without receiving the intentional teaching and discipleship. They were no longer going into Portland to talk to the people living on the street. But, it was more than that. Sydney’s a smart kid. She was piecing together what was going on behind the scenes. She knew the youth pastor had been lying. (And, even more disturbing, he was trying to plant seeds of doubt in her… against us.) She was angry about the whole situation, but, most of all… she was angry at me. 

She couldn’t comprehend how I was able to show him respect… and require for her to do the same… when he obviously had no respect for me or her. She couldn’t reconcile how I constantly talked about the need for her to stand up for herself, when I clearly wasn’t doing the same. (Yeah… that one stung a little.) She couldn’t understand how a man like this was able to be a leader in the church. And in that moment, my heart broke because, if nothing else,  I knew this wouldn’t be the last time she asked herself that question.

Looking back on that season, believe it or not, I’m so incredibly thankful. Our family was pruned and sharpened beyond what I thought possible. One occasion I will never forget, right after the other couple involved came over to pray. They told us the youth pastor was insisting the teens in the group not take part in helping Sydney raise money to grant a wish for a child through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. PLEASE, LET THAT SINK IN. His contempt for me was so great that he wanted to prevent these kids from working together to grant a wish for a child facing a potentially life-threatening disease. The youth pastor went so far as to tell the lead pastor he needed to intervene and stop it from happening. Thankfully, the pastor wouldn’t do it… not because he thought the kids working together was a good idea… but because he couldn’t control what these parents allowed their kids to do outside of church.

After the couple left, I remember dropping to the floor in my living room and crying. The sound that escaped me… well, I mentioned it before. It was the same as when my parents died. It was a sound of someone in the depths of despair. I remember my husband just watching, unable to console me. He had been down this road before and knew this was part of my grieving process. I was grieving so much: the lack of leadership, the missed opportunity for unity, the pride of man, the opportunities lost with those high schoolers.

It took us almost 18 months to share this with Sydney. She was already fed up with the lies and deceit, but to know the one person in the church who was suppose to encourage her growth in Jesus was intentionally working to sabotage the work she felt called to… she would have walked away from the church. (Remember, she was only 14 years old at the time!) We’re almost three years removed from this season and now we watch her stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people talking about this experience. She tells people how close she came from walking away from the church. She learning how the Lord uses the brokenness of our lives to create a testimony that speaks to others in their brokenness.

Unfortunately, our story isn’t an isolated event. As we travel the country, we’ve heard a similar version from countless others. We’ve talked to people who HAVE walked away from the church because of leadership who cares more about protecting other leaders than protecting their flock. (We’ll get to that in the next post.) And, PLEASE, hear me out on this. It has absolutely nothing to do with wanting a PERFECT church… every misguided leader, who wants to protect their position of authority, is quick to throw that little soundbite at you. It has to do with leadership’s willingness to be PERFECTED, which is an incredibly painful process. 

Immediately after leaving the meeting with our youth pastor, I sat in my car to call my mentor, who also happened to be the former women’s ministry leader at the church. I had spent the past five months meeting with her weekly as a requisite for seminary. (She also knew about everything I was doing with the kids and had been nothing but supportive and encouraging.)

For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why the elders would have a problem with what I was doing with these kids. I thought my mentor could offer insight, and maybe some perspective. But, like me, she was flabbergasted. She suggested going to the lead pastor to talk things over, but I was reluctant for several reasons. First, I didn’t want to be one of “those people.” You know who they are… the ones who run to the pastor at the first sign of trouble. There is a biblical prescriptive for handling conflict and I was determined to walk that out. Second, I was convinced this was a matter of miscommunication. For several reasons.

You see, a few weeks prior to all this, I actually had a meeting with our lead pastor about ministry. Every once in a while, I needed to sit down with him to check in for seminary. I actually enjoyed these conversations. (That’s a nice way of saying we geek out over theology.) During this particular conversation, we talked about the possibility of me taking a job with an organization like The Navigators. After hanging up with my mentor, I remembered that conversation.

My pastor was pushing back against me working for an organization like The Navigators because it would be easy. (I would LOVE to see him have that conversation with anyone who actually works for the organization. I’m pretty sure EASY isn’t a word they’d use.) But, his argument centered on an interesting precept. Organizations like, The Navigators, have a uniform prescription for discipleship. They have a specific way of doing things, and for the purpose of consistency, you don’t really deviate from major tenants of instruction. In short, if you don’t agree with their methodology, you wouldn’t work with them. His point: You don’t have that luxury in the church. 

According to my pastor, if you have a divergent philosophy from other’s in the church (again, not about the foundational tenants of the Christian faith), you don’t have the luxury of finding a “better fit.” (Obviously, someone needs to tell that to practically everyone else in the American Church.) It’s a beautiful idea though… isn’t it? A church made up of people who believe in Jesus, but the similarities might end there. Different worship styles, different discipleship techniques, different priorities in ministry…. a place where everyone is welcome to the table. If that was true, then why was I being told that I might need to find a new church? 

As Jamie and I talked this through, and as we sought the counsel of others who were privy to the situation, we all believed this was a matter of bad communication. There really couldn’t be another explanation. (But, unfortunately, there was.) We agreed that three weeks away from the normalcy of life would allow us perspective and give everyone involved time to cool down. It can also give you time to push into the Word… and get all kinds of riled up. But, we fought for peace and against the inclination to jump to assumptions. 

But, given what we were about to walk into… we should have stuck with the assumptions.